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The Dengler Domain: Outhouses

January 20, 2017
Sean Dengler - Columnist , Traer Star-Clipper

The porta potty, life's last resort. These vessels do not conjure good memories for most people. They are used as a last resort like at heavily attended concerts, heavily attended football games, or in the backyard of a crazy guy who loves porta pottys. While no one wants to think about porta pottys, they have a cousin from the not so distant past. This cousin is the outhouse, and I never experienced one. With this being said, I want to discuss the benefits of using an outhouse. Bear with me, I will avoid the gross parts of an outhouse. I'm a classy guy who loves reading scientific articles.

This first benefit would be contemplation. Due to leaving the household to walk to the outhouse, this would allow me to ponder life's greatest wonders. I would think about how to solve world hunger, promote world peace, or how many donuts I will eat for supper. This walk provides the perfect complement to my "shower thoughts." I've had great "shower thoughts" such as inventing a lemonade pillow. This walk can be therapy. When I am going through a hard part of life, this walk can help solve the major issues. If I made good enough money, I'd buy a golf cart to drive from the house to the outhouse and back. Why? Because why not?

The second benefit would be the weather. Now, you are thinking, "Sean, it is Iowa. We have winters that make bears want to go to the beach." I admit walking to the outhouse while being hit by a -25-degree wind chill would be awful, but walking to the outhouse on a 75-degree weather day with a slight breeze would be heaven. The beautiful summer air satisfies anybody's lungs. This is more so for anyone who stayed inside for an extended amount of time. Soak in the Vitamin D on the walk, and the body will be happy while obtaining a tan.

The third benefit is surprise, and no, it is not the surprise of finding out what lies in the outhouse. The surprise is what will be on other people's faces. Drop the phrase, "I got an outhouse," and everyone will be shocked. They will question the use of an outhouse in today's society, and this is the best part. This surprise is a great way to throw people off the scent of how one lives their life. No one will know the outhouse owner's motives. Will they buy a saw? Will they buy the world's largest collection of Dalmatian photos? Or will they sing the song, "Who Let the Dogs Out" fifty times before they go to bed? After dropping the outhouse knowledge, any of these questions will be believable.

Contemplation, weather, and surprise would be three great benefits of owning an outhouse. When I build one outside of my apartment, people will know I mean business. Outhouse are relics of the past, but they are an interesting relic. While they made sense in the past, in today's world they would be a preposterous idea. That's okay. They need a preposterous guy to make porta pottys the new trend of 2017.

Email Sean with your thoughts and ideas for future columns at: sean.h.dengler@gmail.com

 
 

 

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