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The Dengler Domain: Winter Games

February 23, 2018
Sean Dengler - Columnist , Traer Star-Clipper

I told friends I was not going to watch the Winter Olympics. I was wrong. Curling, skiing, biathlon have all taken over my television screen. I have watched a lot of Winter Olympics. Figure skating intrigues me. Watching men chuck women into the air to do twists is impressive. The athletic feat being achieved is great to watch. It would be great to have the Olympics come to Iowa, but our land is too small for the Winter Olympics. This does not stop me from wondering what non-sport activities of Iowans could turn into an Olympic sport.

The first sport is called, "The Warmup." This sport is an indoor and outdoor event. The athletes start inside a warm house. They then go outside to the cold Iowa winter. To make the competition harder, a cold win from the north is needed. The athlete runs to their car in the cold and wind. The car is parked 200 yards away from the house. Upon entering the car, they start it. The first competitor to take off their car without shivering wins. This competition is divided up in weight classes. This way heavier individuals do not hold an unfair advantage.

The second sport is called, "Outdoor Ice Skating." After leaving work, the competition begins. The parking lot is covered in ice, and while normally ice skaters use skates to move across ice, this is Iowa. Work shoes are the only mode of transportation across the ice from work to car. The athlete who completes this task in the fastest amount of time is the winner. Falling on the ice result in a five second penalty. One individual goes at a time.

The third sport is called, "The Listener." This competition takes place in the workplace. Athletes in this event require more mental strength than physical strength. This competition is when an athlete listens to their coworker talk about the weather. The athlete who listens the longest to this small talk is the winner. One might think this competition is easy, but wait until when your coworker discusses his strategy for removing snow from his driveway for the tenth time.

Those are the three sports which could take place in Iowa. If you have thought of any other races, please email me at When the Olympics come to Iowa in 2076, let's have great ideas. I do not need to watch another luge event. Just kidding. Luge rocks.



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